


The Saga of Murderface McKenzie

by tonepoem



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Crack, Gen, Meta, Murderface McKenzie is the best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 03:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12182007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonepoem/pseuds/tonepoem
Summary: Murderface McKenzie, baddest hero in all the land, has an...experience.Based on the Cool Bits prompt generator:Your narrative is a picaresque novel. It begins in a stark and empty desert. There is a language barrier and someone who suffers stoically who meets a composer reaching for something no one else can hear. It ends with people who have each other's backs.





	The Saga of Murderface McKenzie

**Author's Note:**

  * For [telophase](https://archiveofourown.org/users/telophase/gifts).



Murderface McKenzie looked around the desert and sighed. He had been traipsing through it for more days than he cared to remember. Maybe more than he could remember. Counting up to very large numbers had never been his strong point. Luckily, his NPC companions didn't seem to die even when they reached 0 hit points.

Just the other day, when he'd reached an "oasis" that turned out to be a mirage (like the last ten or so "oases"), he'd picked up another one. This one was a composer who called herself Melodia. Melodia was very annoying, except she did have the weird, useful ability to predict when they were about to enter combat or a different zone in the game. She claimed that "the soundtrack" that she could hear at all times made it obvious. Murderface wondered if she was all right in the head. He sure didn't hear music all the time.

Still, there was something peaceable about the desert. The vast endless dunes and the friendly jackalopes and roadrunners. The occasional whispering noises at night. Yet more mirages, which he was starting to get used to. It was just about when they reached the twentieth "oasis" that he realized that he didn't get hungry or thirsty and therefore chasing mirages was totally pointless. After that he was able to relax and enjoy the scenery.

Sure, Murderface missed being able to get houses with upgraded curtains for free, or hang about chatting with the dark elf at the black-briar meadery in exchange for...he wasn't sure what was going on exactly, but all that gab made him feel more and more muscular, and that was never a bad thing, right? To say nothing of the Thieves' Guild in Riften where he'd scored an infinite number of arrows for free. He hadn't even had to use the coupon. But on the other hand, he was wanted in every known settlement for the "crime" of looting undefended houses, and he was still faintly (only faintly) embarrassed by the fact that he'd tried to take out hits on his fiancée's friends, causing the dead to show up at the wedding and heckle him until he had to skip town. People were so close-minded.

Nevertheless, as time went by, Murderface found that his followers (more than one of them, how odd) would stick up for him no matter how much abuse he shouted at them, admittedly more out of habit than any real venom, or how often he took all the best loot and used them as pack mules for items to sell once he found a merchant. Presumably he would eventually find a merchant, because it was really going to piss him off if he couldn't make a profit this run.

Melodia called out a warning, and Murderface looked up at the shadow of a dragon. He wasn't afraid of dragons anymore. Not with all the followers he had. They probably wouldn't randomly fall through the ground like they used to. Grinning grotesquely, Murderface prepared for the fight of a lifetime.


End file.
